What Not to Write in a College Essay: A Journey Through the Absurd and the Obvious

Writing a college essay can be a daunting task, especially when you’re trying to stand out among thousands of applicants. However, there are certain pitfalls that you should avoid at all costs. Here’s a comprehensive guide on what not to write in a college essay, sprinkled with a touch of the absurd to keep things interesting.

1. Avoid Overly Dramatic Openings

Starting your essay with a line like, “The day I died was the most transformative day of my life,” might seem intriguing, but it’s a surefire way to confuse your readers. Admissions officers are looking for authenticity, not a plot twist from a soap opera. Instead, focus on a genuine moment that shaped who you are today.

2. Don’t Write About Your Pet Goldfish

While your goldfish, Bubbles, might have been your best friend for three years, writing an entire essay about how it taught you the meaning of life is not going to impress anyone. Unless your pet goldfish somehow saved you from a burning building, it’s best to leave Bubbles out of your college essay.

3. Steer Clear of Clichés

Phrases like “I learned more from them than they learned from me” or “It was a life-changing experience” are overused and lack originality. Admissions officers have read these lines countless times, and they don’t add any depth to your story. Instead, focus on specific details that make your experience unique.

4. Don’t Brag Excessively

While it’s important to highlight your achievements, there’s a fine line between confidence and arrogance. Writing an essay that reads like a laundry list of your accomplishments without any reflection or humility can come off as boastful. Instead, focus on how your achievements have shaped your character and your future goals.

5. Avoid Controversial Topics

Unless you have a very compelling reason and can handle the topic with nuance, it’s best to avoid controversial subjects like politics, religion, or sensitive social issues. These topics can easily polarize readers and detract from the main purpose of your essay, which is to showcase who you are as a person.

6. Don’t Use Excessive Jargon or Slang

While it’s important to let your personality shine through, using too much jargon or slang can make your essay difficult to read and understand. Admissions officers come from diverse backgrounds, and they may not be familiar with the latest internet slang or niche terminology. Keep your language clear and accessible.

7. Avoid Writing About Illegal Activities

This should go without saying, but writing about illegal activities, even if they were minor or done in jest, is a bad idea. Admissions officers are looking for students who will contribute positively to their campus community, and detailing your exploits with underage drinking or petty theft is not going to help your case.

8. Don’t Make Excuses

If you’ve faced challenges or setbacks, it’s important to address them honestly and reflect on what you’ve learned. However, don’t use your essay as a platform to make excuses or blame others for your shortcomings. Admissions officers are looking for resilience and growth, not a list of grievances.

9. Avoid Overly Complex Structures

While it’s great to be creative, don’t let your essay become so convoluted that it’s hard to follow. Using overly complex sentence structures, non-linear timelines, or experimental formats can confuse readers and detract from your message. Keep your essay clear and coherent.

10. Don’t Write About Your Dream School

While it’s fine to mention why you’re interested in a particular college, don’t make your entire essay about how much you love the school. Admissions officers already know you’re interested—that’s why you’re applying. Instead, focus on what you can bring to the campus community and how you’ll contribute to the school’s culture.

11. Avoid Overly Emotional Appeals

While it’s important to be genuine, don’t let your essay become overly sentimental or melodramatic. Phrases like “I cried for days” or “My heart was shattered” can come off as insincere if not backed up by meaningful reflection. Instead, focus on how the experience affected you and what you learned from it.

12. Don’t Write About Your Grades or Test Scores

Your grades and test scores are already part of your application, so there’s no need to reiterate them in your essay. Instead, use your essay to provide context for your academic journey, such as how you overcame challenges or developed a passion for a particular subject.

13. Avoid Writing About Fictional Events

While creativity is encouraged, don’t make up events or experiences just to make your essay more interesting. Admissions officers can usually tell when a story is fabricated, and it can damage your credibility. Stick to real experiences that have genuinely shaped who you are.

14. Don’t Use Your Essay as a Platform for Rants

Your college essay is not the place to vent about your frustrations with the education system, your parents, or society at large. While it’s important to be honest, avoid coming across as bitter or resentful. Instead, focus on how you’ve grown from your experiences and what you hope to achieve in the future.

15. Avoid Overly Long Essays

While it’s important to be thorough, don’t let your essay become a novel. Admissions officers have to read hundreds of essays, and an overly long essay can be exhausting to get through. Stick to the word limit and make every word count.

16. Don’t Write About Your Entire Life Story

Your college essay is not an autobiography. Trying to cram your entire life story into a few hundred words will only result in a superficial and disjointed essay. Instead, focus on a specific moment or experience that highlights your character and values.

17. Avoid Writing About Your Parents’ Achievements

While it’s great to be proud of your parents, your college essay should be about you, not them. Writing about your parents’ accomplishments or how they’ve influenced you is fine, but don’t let their story overshadow your own. The focus should always be on your journey and your aspirations.

18. Don’t Use Your Essay to Explain Poor Grades

If you’ve had a rough academic year, it’s okay to briefly mention it, but don’t use your entire essay to explain why your grades slipped. Admissions officers are more interested in how you’ve grown from the experience and what you’ve learned, not in excuses for past performance.

19. Avoid Writing About Your Love Life

Your romantic relationships, no matter how significant they may seem, are not appropriate topics for a college essay. Writing about your first love, a breakup, or a crush can come off as immature and irrelevant to your academic and personal growth.

20. Don’t Forget to Proofread

Finally, don’t submit an essay filled with typos, grammatical errors, or awkward phrasing. A poorly written essay can undermine even the most compelling story. Take the time to proofread your essay carefully, and consider having someone else review it as well.

Q: Can I write about a failure in my college essay? A: Yes, writing about a failure can be a powerful way to demonstrate resilience and growth. However, make sure to focus on what you learned from the experience and how it has shaped you, rather than dwelling on the failure itself.

Q: Is it okay to use humor in my college essay? A: Yes, humor can be a great way to showcase your personality, but use it sparingly and make sure it’s appropriate. Avoid jokes that could be offensive or misunderstood.

Q: How personal should my college essay be? A: Your essay should be personal enough to give admissions officers a sense of who you are, but avoid oversharing or delving into topics that are too sensitive or private. Strike a balance between authenticity and appropriateness.

Q: Can I write about a common topic, like a sports victory or a mission trip? A: Yes, you can write about common topics, but make sure to approach them in a unique way. Focus on specific details and reflections that set your experience apart from others who might have similar stories.

Q: Should I write about my future career goals? A: It’s fine to mention your career goals, but don’t make them the sole focus of your essay. Admissions officers are more interested in understanding who you are as a person and how you’ve developed your interests and values.